Pondering the what could have beens

Today is my Grandma’s birthday – my dad’s mum.  She died 6 years ago.  I was by her bedside, holding her hand as she passed away.  It is something I will never forget

She had a stroke and never regained consciousness.  My mum, dad & I stayed in the hospital with her for over 24 hours, taking turns to sleep on a put up bed and the chair during the night

By that point though she wasn’t really my Grandma anymore, it is likely she had had small TIA’s by that point.  Her personality had changed, she was not a very nice person at times.  Before that she was the complete opposite.  She used to do a  lot of volunteering for Barnardos and collect money for them as well as running local charity events.  She used to always be baking, she used to make these jam tarts that were lovely when she first baked them but went rock solid after a few days.  And driving…..she was probably a danger on the road really, she went soooo slow!

I sometimes wonder what she would have thought of the boys.  I think she would have doted over them

I also think about Mr M’s Grandad – his dad’s dad.  He passed away from cancer when I was pregnant with Mini M, 3 months before he was born, he was the only one who knew what we were going to call Mini M before he was born

Mr M idolised his Grandad, they had a really close bond.  He was so excited about becoming a Great Grandad and it’s so sad he never got to meet Mini M.  I know he would have been besotted with both the boys

My Grandma – my mum’s mum, has dementia.  She was diagnosed when Mini M was a baby

She can’t remember the boys names, I’m not really sure she knows who they are when we visit.  Her memory is getting worse and I know that in time it is likely she will even forget who I am.  As weird as it sounds I know this is coming, I’ve worked with people with dementia, it makes me sad that she won’t ever really know the boys.  I remember when we were younger we used to visit my grandparents in the summer holidays and used to have a great time playing in their garden.  They even took us to Guernsey one year which was our first time in a plane.

I know that the things in life you can be certain of are that you are born & you die.  No-one lives forever.  It doesn’t stop me occasionally pondering the what could have beens on days like today

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